Try telling your child that they can’t do something because you said so, and they follow your directions.
I can bet you anything that scene didn’t end amicably.
There would’ve been a million questions – why, what if, negotiations about different activity or time, doubts about your parenting abilities and much more.
That you can assert your authority as a parent is unthinkable. Parenting is no longer about raising healthy kids with love and care, teaching them basic values, and providing for them.
Some of us may feel nostalgic about the good ol’ days when one word (sometimes just a look was enough) from the parent, and we did what was told – no questions asked. The fine line between blind obedience and respect was blurry.
The new-age parenting has moved from unquestioning obedience to relationship based on mutual respect.
What are the parameters applicable now to become a ‘cool’ parent?
The Difference Between Blind Obedience And Respect
As a teacher I’ve seen different types of parents covering a wide spectrum from totally controlling the child to the indifferent ones. On one end are those who demand total obedience, managing every aspect of the child’s life, and on the other are those who see their children as individuals with their own unique personalities and needs.
I’ve had parents who felt that as parents they’ve to be in total control. From deciding which subjects the child must excel in, which activities to take part in, what sports to play to even selecting their friends. And they follow through with unwavering passion. They see their children as an extension of themselves; their success or failure is taken personally.
These children are taught to follow instructions without questioning. And of course the children do it.
One, because they trust their parents and two, because they know no other way of connecting with the parents.
On the other hand I’ve seen parents who treat their children as individuals with their own unique personality.
In such families you can see connections based on mutual respect, understanding and valuing each other. It’s a healthy, thriving relationship which becomes stronger with time.
Children feel free to blossom into their own and pursue their interests. Their personality and views are taken into consideration.
The biggest difference between blind obedience and respect is the acceptance of the child as an independent individual.
How Does It Impact the Child?
Short term impacts can be seen immediately. They influence the present situations and conditions.
The long term impacts are subtle, more deeper as they influence the personality of the child as they grow. Studies have shown that children raised under authoritarian parenting often struggle with anxiety and self-doubt as adults.
When parents direct every action of the child, decide everything for them, choose their activities, this smothers the inherent creativity of the child.
They demand immediate compliance; there’s no room for any diversions. Parents expect children to stick to the schedule.
I’ve seen mothers driving their children from one activity to another while the child looks out wistfully from the backseat.
Sad.
I had one parent tell me that their child cannot go out to play because she wants her to go into modelling and can’t have her tanned or bruised.
Another asked me to focus only on maths since the father aspired to send their child for engineering in MIT!!
Heaven help!
These are the obsessed parents who expect blind obedience and compliance.
But what about the child?
In such repressive conditions, the child loses their confidence and individuality. They find dealing with authority challenging and often struggle with problem solving because they’ve never been given a chance to make decisions. As they grow older, they lose their initiate, become passive and are not confident of taking decisions by themselves.
On the other hand, parents who encourage mutual respect ensure that their children grow up confident and self-assured.
It’s not about giving them a free rein to indulge every wish, desire or tantrum; it’s about setting clear boundaries they learn not to cross.
There’s open communication which allows the child to ask questions, clear their doubts, develop clear thinking, and have personal views. It enables the parents and their children to understand each other better.
This trust between the parents and children lays the foundation for a strong bond between them.
As the children grow they’re confident and self-assured and capable of making their own decisions.
They’ve greater self-awareness and developed emotional intelligence.
I’ve seen it in each of my classes. The children brought up by authoritative parents are those who enjoy themselves the most, are the ones who do well and are all-rounders. They’re confident, resilient and have a positive attitude.
Balancing Authority With Empathy
1. Setting boundaries with empathy
No point setting non-negotiable rules and not explaining the reasons behind them.
Instead set up clear and consistent boundaries. Explain the reasons so that kids understand your actions. Let them also feel heard.
Like, if you want them to finish their school work on time, let them know that they’ll not be allowed gadget time unless their work is done. Reason – because its distracting them from completing their work.
2. Encouraging independence within structure
Give them opportunities to practice decision making with age-appropriate choices. Let them decide what to wear or what chores they want to do.
Using the earlier schoolwork scenario, ask your child to plan out their evening with some help from you. Let them decide when to do their schoolwork, chores and relax.
This way they get to practice and build up their skills when at home, operating within a guided framework under your supervision.
3. Teaching children to express themselves respectfully
Always encourage open and healthy discussions with respect. Let them feel like they can express themselves openly without inhibitions or fear of judgements.
They need to learn that communication is essential to understand each other and it needs to be conducted respectfully. No need for aggression or anger or a shouting match.
4. Guidance with flexible parenting styles
You’ve to accept that with the kids growing up, you need to change your parenting styles. What worked with your preschooler will certainly not work with the teenager.
Be flexible, adapting to the child’s changing needs, modifying the restrictions. If you’ve been able to build on your trust, this can be an easy task.
5. Teaching responsibility and trust
Start off early by giving your child responsibilities (age-appropriate, of course). Let them understand the importance of being responsible and accountable; that it’s the only way to gain independence and trust.
It’ll build their self-esteem and self-respect. They’ll view the authority of parents as a show of confidence in them and strengthen their bonds.
In The End
Being authoritative may give you a few minutes of power over your child but it can be more destructive than you can imagine to your relationship with your child.
It harms their development and causes long term damages. And that’s not what you want for your child.
Forcing your child to do things or achieve goals to fulfil your aspirations is not fair to the child. Set up reasonable goals for them, help them along, build bridges based on healthy communication and trust and partnerships.
With so much changing around us, it’s but natural that parenting too needs to evolve to meet and deal with the changes. Review your parenting style to adapt it to the needs of your child. Make the hard choices if needed, after all it’s for their future.
It’s not about giving up your authority; it’s about guiding them and building confidence, independence and trust in your children.