My kiddo made some statement in a lighter vein, hoping to get a few laughs from us. Instead my husband launched into inquiry-mode, asking her for clarification.
That poor thing, totally exasperated, blurted, “You didn’t understand what I said. It was a joke!”
But the moment had passed. The joke lost its edge and, of course, there was no laughter. Only an uncomfortable silence.
I’m sure you’ve also experienced such situations where the meaning of the words being exchanged is lost or misunderstood.
You said exactly what you meant. You thought you were clear, direct, with no ambiguity. But the meaning behind the words never surfaced. What didn’t get communicated?
Why does this happen?
When Words Are Clear, But Don’t Communicate
What actually happens is what you think is communication is your attempt to say things better.
You use better vocabulary, modulate your voice as per the situation, structure your sentences for clarity.
And this results in words getting exchanged, reactions follow, and somewhere the meaning gets lost in between all this drama.
Someone may sound defensive or shut down or even end up repeating the same point.
During a recent workshop, the domain expert was elaborating about specific queries. One student kept interjecting with personal experiences and derailing the discussion. After a few such interruptions, she was asked to wait until the end of the session to contribute her inputs.
It was all civil yet the feedback from that particular student was unexpected. She accused the speaker and the other instructors of being unprofessional and biased.
The problem was not the disruptions or her difficult behaviour. It was something deeper, a fear that hadn’t been acknowledged, leading to this outcome. But all this came out later when speaking with her.
Sometimes the conversation is not happening in real-time. People are carrying their emotional baggage when reacting to your words. So be prepared to deal with it.
The Real Gap: Missing Curiosity
Communication fails because you’re not curious long enough to understand the complete meaning.
You hear something and you react. You’re not curious enough for a little longer. All you wanted was a response. And when you got it, you took it without understanding the meaning of those words.
That’s the curse of modern times. No one has the time to spare, to focus on the important part, figure out the ‘why’ behind what’s being said.
And when the ‘why’ is ignored, the speaker becomes defensive. They will either repeat themselves to ensure they’re not ignored or will withdraw.
Neither is a proof of poor communication skills. It’s about ignoring the unseen meaning.
You’d have seen it innumerable times, at team meetings or even a family discussion.
Have you ever stopped to think if you’re missing the point?
Listening for What Isn’t Being Said
Whenever our team would sit down for the monthly brainstorming session, this one member would tear into every idea. Within a few months, there were fewer suggestions and more silent nods.
He called it analysis, but it never felt like one. The member contributing never got a chance to elaborate or explain the idea or concept.
Churning out words, being loud and forceful is not communication. It’s just noise.
Those who focus on communication, listen for the pauses in between, for the change in tone, for things being avoided.
They pick on those cues and work around them. They frame questions that allow them to go deeper without complicating the conversation.
And that’s when the actual communication happens. People feel understood. The meaning of their words reveal themselves.
Where Connection Actually Begins
People often mistake their communication skills with their ability to spin words to fill the void. That’s anything but communication.
Communicating is like brewing a cup of green tea. You’ve to let the leaves brew and release their flavour and richness. It’s certainly not like instant coffee.
Don’t be in a rush to assume the answers or fill in the gaps with half-truths. Lack of information is the cause of misinformation and leads to chaos.
Next time you’re communicating with someone, take a moment to pause and think about what was unsaid before jumping to conclusions or making assumptions.
Good communication is where real understanding begins.
