The tension in the room was palpable. You could almost suffocate there.
Heated words were exchanged; each falling on deaf ears.
“You’ll do as I say. I know what’s best for you.”
“But you don’t understand. I don’t want to do it. I don’t like it.”
“Don’t you dare defy me. You’ll do what I say as long as you’re under this roof!”
That was the final bullet. The teen stomps out of the house.
Matter remains unresolved, simmering beneath the silence.
Feels familiar? It’s not a scene out of a movie or some series. It’s a regular feature in the majority of conversations with teenagers.
Could the interaction have happened in any other way? Maybe where the parent and the teenager were in sync? Where each was not digging in their heels but stepping into the shoes of the other?
Yes, absolutely. By practicing conflict resolution and building a relationship.
And these are skills you can’t get by reading a few books or watching some parenting videos.
It needs years of constant practice, connecting, communication, and support.
You’ve to learn to become their allies for life; not when it’s convenient to you, not when it’s expected, but when it’s needed most.
How to Build Conflict Resolution Skills
- Creating Safe and Supportive Environments
You know your child best. Build the relationship where they feel they can speak to you without fear of criticism or judgement.
Create the safe and supportive space for them at home where they can count on your support.
Engage in conversations frequently. Give them their space to grow. Yet check in on them regularly.
A few minutes of one-to-one with them, either at bedtime or dinner time, is enough for both of you to catch up with each other.
Work on building this routine from when they’re young so it doesn’t feel intrusive or ‘snoopy’ before they turn into snarky teens.
Like when you notice your teen angry after school, ask if something is bothering them and if they want to talk about it. This approach shows you’ve noticed their anger and are concerned.
If you jump at them directly with “Why are you so angry? What happened?”, it feels critical and closes the door for further communication.
2. Modelling and Teaching Conflict Resolution Skills
The first person they learn from is you. They watch and try to copy you to feel like an adult.
Show them how to be calm during disagreements. No shouting or screaming, no name calling.
If it gets overwhelming, it’s okay to take a step back and collect their thoughts before saying anything.
Getting worked up or agitated can hamper their thought process, clouding their judgement.
Use examples from some movie or TV shows that you both watched. Discuss the characters’ response or how they handled conflicts; what worked or didn’t work. Ask how they feel they would’ve handled it.
It begins a conversation that helps them lay the foundation of their conflict resolution skills.
3. Encouraging Continuous Practice
Conflict resolution needs both parties to learn to listen. But that will come with practice, lots of it.
It needs the teen to reflect and respond, while you hold back your impulsive reaction or judgement.
The earlier you start practicing, the better. Like during a disagreement about sharing screen time. You want to get it over with, so you go over and declare a verdict.
But think long term.
Do you want to keep stepping in every time they are at loggerheads? What will you do if they are disagreeing with you as they grow up?
It’s best to begin when they are younger. Get them to think about the problem. Guide them so they learn to listen, think, decide, and then speak.
This point hit home hard when once I had a parent tell me how shocked she was when her son asked if he could explain before being punished. It’s at that moment she realised that she had never given him a chance to explain or have a conversation; she only reacted.
With regular repetitions they’ll learn how to ace it. Also, it gives them the confidence to deal with problems as they grow up, as teens or adults.
4. Positive Reinforcement and Constructive Feedback
Your feedback is valuable. When you recognise and appreciate their action, it gives them a big dose of confidence in themselves.
It shows that they’re working on building their emotional awareness. And that’s a good sign.
Compliment them when they display maturity beyond their years or when handling a difficult situation or dealing with a conflict.
Explain to them that self-restrain or walking away are not signs of weakness. It instead shows them as someone with self-control or better understanding.
Your positive feedback will help them to work better on developing their skill.
5. Building a Culture of Communication
Conflict resolution is based on communicating and understanding your feelings. Build the emotional intelligence in children by putting up “Emotions” posters and helping them identify it. This must be done both at home and school.
Let them learn to speak about their emotions using ‘I’ statements. Often this is discouraged or sidelined. Show them it’s normal, how it helps them and others around them.
As they grow, they’ll be much more aware of their feelings and know how to deal with them.
Encourage journaling for the older kids. Reflective writing helps them to process their feelings and thoughts.
The more they understand their emotions, the better they’ll be prepared to deal with conflicts.
Conclusion
Conflict is inevitable. There’s going to be enough as they grow.
By ensuring they learn how to deal with them, your teen will know how to respond effectively.
And this foundation has to be laid at home by the environment you create.
How you set your expectations or responses, and how involved are you in the process, is what will either empower or shutdown their growth.
Show them that every tough experience is an opportunity for them to learn about empathy or resilience; about the need for open communication.
Begin with one conversation at a time.