Believe it or not but communication is a performance we’re obsessed with. What to say, how to say it, which words to soften, which tone to adopt, which phrases to avoid.
It’s word callisthenics going on in our minds. And yet after saying all the right things, conversations collapse.
People walk away frustrated, defensive or unheard. It’s not that the message was unclear; it’s because the meaning behind it never surfaced.
One of the main reasons communication fails is because the why stays buried. You’ve all the information, yet something vital is missing.
When the discussion goes south, someone reacts strongly, withdraws, repeats themselves, or shuts down. And you quickly label them as difficult, defensive, uncooperative, or emotional.
But think again. That behaviour’s only the surface expression of something deeper. Maybe a lingering confusion, an unspoken fear, an unmet need.
Words are often the least honest part of the communication.
The Real Breakdown Happens Below the Surface
“You’re not getting what I’m saying!” – haven’t we all heard this, or some version of this statement, in conversations with children, colleagues, partners, or parents?
People often feel misunderstood because they feel unseen or unheard. It’s not that the conversation was too short, or badly phrased. It’s just that no one paused to ask why this matters to them.
A child refusing to complete homework. Maybe they’re overwhelmed or afraid of failing, and not because they’re lazy.
An employee pushing back in meetings. Maybe they feel excluded or unheard, and not because they’re resistant to the idea.
A partner growing quiet. Maybe just exhausted from explaining themselves repeatedly, and not because they’re indifferent.
Each of these instances feels familiar. When you look deeper, you realise the focus was on what’s being said, and not on what’s driving it.
The why was being ignored. And when that happens, clarity gets buried. Unwittingly, you’ve allowed cracks to become chasms.
Assumptions Are the Silent Killers of Clarity
The big culprit in miscommunication is assumptions. You assume the intent instead of seeking the context.
“You’re quoting me out of context.” Or “That’s not what I meant.” Sounds familiar?
And I’m not talking about politicians. I’m talking about real life situations.
The moment you decide why someone’s acting a certain way, without even checking, is the moment you stopped listening.
You’ve interpreted the behaviour through your own lens, and then responded to that interpretation as fact. Beware, it’s heading for derailment rapidly.
You argue positions, and the conversation escalates. All the while the real issue sits untouched underneath.
You defend words with more words, leaving the emotions unacknowledged.
Fact is, the core of communication isn’t performance, but interpretation.
Asking Better Questions Changes Everything
The solution isn’t complicated, but has to be intentional. Move from explaining to inquiring.
If your usual reaction is “You’re not listening,”, alter it to “What feels unclear right now?”
Instead of saying, “Why are you being difficult?”, try “What’s making this hard for you?”
Small changes but will make a world of difference to the way you communicate.
These questions don’t feel accusatory or angry or even humiliating. They instead allow the other person some safety as they process their thoughts.
It’s only when they feel safe the why emerges. And once it does, words do what they’re meant to do – connect. They no longer fight for attention.
Communication Is About Understanding, Not Winning
Whether it’s parenting, friendships, workplace, or conflict, the pattern is the same. The focus in communications is on polishing the language, using big words. But what actually needs attention is deeper listening.
Being articulate helps. But what solves the problem is empathy. It transforms the communication.
Once the why is understood, the reason behind the reaction is clear, the conversation stops being about who’s right. It becomes about better understanding, about what’s real.
That’s when real communication will begin.
