How much is too much? It can be love, support, confidence or anything else you can think of.
But I’m talking about the confidence-building in children. How much is doing too much for the children if you want to develop confidence in them?
When I see things happening day after day, I can’t help question the intention.
Half-awake parents dropping their still sleepy children to school.
Or parents justifying the incomplete work because the child had overslept or was too exhausted or whatever.
Makes me wonder if our parents – the ancient generations – were less ‘involved’ or were they more confident about what they had taught us, sure that we can deal with life?
Sometimes parents forget in their efforts to do everything for the children is that children develop confidence through their, the child’s, lived experience.
And for that you’ve to let them experience life.
Children don’t begin life with a fully formed belief in their own abilities. They develop it gradually. They borrow it from us.
But Sometimes We Help Too Much
I’ve always said that parenting is a tough job. We each have our way of doing things. But what’s immutable is that whatever you decide to do must benefit the child.
With that in mind, you want your child to turn out confident, self-sufficient, and capable as they grow into adults.
It kind of contradicts your intentions when you tie their shoelaces, or speak to the teacher, or clean up after them, or even fix the disagreements they have with their peers and friends.
You rush in to complete the difficult part of the task. You want to remove the frustrations before they find it overwhelming.
The excuse is love, your undeniable love for your child. The instinct to protect the children from struggle comes from love.
But the help you offer to build their confidence may be the one that’s quietly preventing it from developing.
Every time you do something which they could have otherwise struggled through themselves, you’re removing an opportunity for them to discover.
They can’t be sure if they can or cannot handle it.
Confidence doesn’t build with you constantly telling them they are capable when they haven’t even tried doing it.
The lack of experience just adds to their pile of doubts, or lack of it, about their capability.
Before They Believe in Themselves, They Believe in Our Belief in Them
You may think saying, “You can do this,” is encouragement enough. But it’s not.
There’s a big difference between saying it and actually trusting the child enough to step back.
Sometimes letting them try something out for themselves, or letting them know you’re there in case they need you, is a more powerful form of support.
Because it shows them you’ve confidence in them. And that in turn builds their confidence in their own abilities.
Once they reached middle school, I let my kids manage their allowances. They decided how they wanted to spend or save.
They made silly mistakes, got it all wrong initially, were broke a few times by the middle of the month, became frustrated with their efforts and outcomes.
Eventually they learnt from their mistakes (not necessarily immediately but learn they did).
The experience was something far more valuable than the immediate success. The lessons lasted for a longer time.
That’s because the experience was the evidence of what worked for them. They’re now confident of what they should or shouldn’t do.
Confidence Is First Borrowed Through Trust.
It may sound counterintuitive or even uncomfortable but his has been my definition of love which saw beyond the comfort of now.
The objective was to raise children who would be confident and self-sufficient adults. Just theory doesn’t work in this subject; practical, hands-on experience wins hands down.
Their first few attempts may cause you distress. You’d be tempted to jump in and sort of the mess. Don’t.
Be their support. Guide them. But don’t do it for them.
They may need some reassurance, they may even try without asking. Gradually your guiding voice gets replaced with their own.
Confident children aren’t necessarily those who succeed each time. They are those who have repeatedly experienced being trusted with responsibility, uncertainty, and even occasional failure.
That’s what built their confidence. Failure doesn’t intimidate them.
That’s why the most confident thing a parent can do is step back and let the child discover what they are capable of.
It’s a misconception that confidence comes from getting things right always. On the contrary, its earned through experience, something lived.
You can’t hand a child confidence. What you can give them is enough opportunities to earn evidence of their experiences and capabilities.
