“They’re still children.”
How often have parents used this excuse to control their children. Or keep them from asserting themselves.
It’s not because they fear the children can’t handle life beyond their control. It’s because they are not confident themselves – about their children, about the child’s ability to handle life.
The ‘not-ready’ excuse is just a way of clinging on to them for some more time. It’s as if their identity as a parent is dependent on as long as they can control their children.
So, when will the children be ‘ready’ to take on their share of the responsibility, become the adults they’re so waiting to become?
With this attitude of the parents, never. It’s our hesitation that’s holding them back.
The Tug-of-War No One Warns You About
Parents, especially Indian parents, have a hard time letting go. It triggers anxiety and panic and fear of immeasurable proportions. And it’s all covered under ‘care’.
They constantly worry about what if they fail? What if they fall?
But …what if they do? Isn’t it part of the learning process for life?
The overprotection may feel productive. Your need to control can masquerade as love. But for how long?
The longer you delay giving them the freedom to take decisions, the more you’ll find them looking at you before making even the smallest decision.
Not a healthy growth progression for the child.
How Confidence Gets Delayed, One “Let-Me-Do-It” at a Time
I hope the parents realise that the longer they control their children, the more they damage their self-confidence.
Don’t avoid buying shoes with laces because they don’t know how to tie them. Instead let them try, tangle and then untangle them.
Buy another new pair of shoe laces. A small cost for building their confidence, teaching about perseverance, and becoming independent.
Children build their confidence through their awkward attempts at doing something themselves, through small failures they experience with every new activity, and repeated trials.
Don’t deprive them the opportunity of learning from their experiences.
Stepping Back Is Not Neglect (Despite What Your Anxiety Says)
Let’s clear this up first – letting go is not abandoning them. Nor is it indifference.
It’s your way of showing them that you’ve confidence in them, in their ability to deal with it.
That’s real love. It allows them the space to try things by themselves yet knowing that you’re right there, ready to step in if they need you.
As for you – the parents – resist the urge to interfere. Watch them proudly as they navigate their way through the problem. Best way to soothe your hyper-sensitive nerves.
Growth Happens in the Discomfort Zone (Yours Included)
Time to shake off that feeling of comfort; that’s not when any growth will happen.
Growth happens when there’s discomfort, and some pain. Remember their growth pains?
Watching them struggle may break your heart. You’ll feel cruel, like someone who doesn’t care. Hold on to your resilience and let them figure it out.
If you can’t resist, give a suggestion or advice but that’s all.
Remind yourself that the short-term discomfort is building their long-term resilience and confidence.
They’ll turn out stronger and better prepared after this.
And what happens when parents begin to let go of control, realise that their child is more capable than they expected?
Children begin
- To make decisions by themselves without turning to you.
- They learn to assess the situation, understand the risk or difficulty.
- They’re ready for the outcomes and own them.
- They begin to trust themselves, have more confidence in their decisions.
Unnerving but exhilarating, right?
Practising Letting Go Without Disappearing
At this stage, most parents may experience an existential dilemma. Am I being a good parent or what’s my role as a parent if I don’t help them?
Believe me, you’re doing the best kind of parenting. You’re rewriting the playbook to suit your child’s needs.
You’re recalibrating the system so it works better for both of you.
Instead of –
- commands, offer them choices.
- providing immediate solutions, ask them guiding questions helping them to think for themselves.
- risk-proofing their environment, allow them to take age-appropriate risks to build their confidence.
- inhibiting their actions, show them that you trust them.
What better way to show them you love them? Small changes that lead to big impacts.
The Question We Avoid Asking
Time to ask yourself the honest question. Are you delaying loosening the apron strings because you’re not yet ready to let them go?
Because they’re a lot more ready than you think.
It’s a reality most dread as parents. You want to hold on to your baby forever. But sooner or later, they’ve to fly the nest. Best to accept this reality and prepare them well.
Sometimes, the best thing for a parent to do is to step back, even when your heart aches.
