I don’t know if it’s a Virgo thing or a parent thing but my husband wants to get everything organised for the kiddo. From booking the tickets to the cab to packing the suitcases. Everything as per the checklist.
And these scenes repeat every time the kiddo is leaving for hostel. I’ve seen my friends do it too. So I guess it’s a parent thing.
It comes instinctively to protect your children, solve the problems before they arise, step in each time. And it’s all because you love them. Dearly.
Concern for their safety and caring for them are the immutable part of being a parent. And no one’s complaining.
But at what point does protecting stop serving the child and start comforting you, the parent? Are you doing the things you are doing to continue to be relevant in your child’s life?
On one hand you aspire to have a well-balanced child who’s independent. Yet you continue to step in every now and then, not letting them a chance to learn and grow.
Maybe the hardest thing to do is not letting go of the child but of your role that you’ve played in their lives for so long.
“They’re Not Ready”… Or Are We?
It’s hard for a parent to see beyond the little child they held in their hands. Even when they’re old enough, you’ll get to hear things like, “They’re too young”, or “I’ll do it for them”, or “They don’t know how”.
Sometimes such concerns may be valid, but not always. Those little babies have grown up and are learning to be on their own. Of course they’ll make mistakes. But that’s how they’ll learn.
But sometimes these concerns are your own discomfort with uncertainty. You’re not sure how they’ll handle it, or if they’re capable enough.
In such situations, who are you truly protecting – your child from their failure or yourself from watching them fail?
My friend refused to allow her son to do any financial transactions or bookings by himself. When she did allow, she would monitor every message, notification and mail.
It’s taken intense discussions and arguments and justifications for him to finally be able to transact without supervision. And he’s doing just fine. Had a few missteps but nothing fatal. Now he knows better.
Maybe if you had more confidence in them than what you feel, it’ll give them the wings to fly. They need your confidence more than your protection.
Parenting Is Also an Identity
But then again, parenting isn’t just something you do. It doesn’t have any JD, or QR, or KPI. For many years, it becomes a large part of who you are.
You’re needed at all times. And that feels meaningful. You’re the person who has to provide and care for that little life.
You feel the shifting winds as the child becomes independent. It’s a mixed feeling. A mix of pride, with a hint of sadness.
There are fewer questions to answer, and fewer requests for help. More decisions are taken independently than before.
It’s gradual but this transition feels like a loss. Even though you knew it would happen, and that’s its healthy, you still don’t like it.
They want to explore the world in their own ways. Not holding your hand, but still wanting you close by.
In such situations, it’s better to step back and let them make their own decisions. You may struggle with loosening the grip but that’s the best thing to do. It builds their confidence knowing you trust them.
It’s time for them to live their lives. And it’s time for you to let them free.
Letting Go Doesn’t Mean Losing Your Place
Everything undergoes change with time. So does your relationship with your child.
With every passing year, as they gain more experience, confidence and self-awareness, they gradually learn to be independent. Slowly but surely.
From riding the bicycle the first time without your support to tying their shoe laces to travelling alone, managing money, making decisions, each new experience lays another brick in their foundation.
This independence isn’t something that happens overnight. Nor is it something that you can give them. It develops through opportunities to decide, fail, recover, and try again.
Each milestone becomes a proud moment for the parents. You needn’t worry about becoming irrelevant to them just because they need you less. Instead you’ve to prepare for changes in your role.
From a protector, you now become their guide. Instead of being the decision maker, you become their sounding board. You transform into a trusted mentor from their problem-solver.
Your relationship changes into something more meaningful and valuable and stronger.
Raising Independent Adults Was Always the Goal
Parenting is the biggest adventure one can experience. It goes through so many changes that sometimes you don’t even realise how much has happened.
But the primary objective remains the same. You wanted your child to become a well-developed independent person.
It was always about them, never you. That you’d stay indispensable forever is unrealistic.
The greatest compliment to a parent is a child who no longer needs their constant direction, but still chooses to seek their wisdom.
Parenting is always about preparing them to be on their own. Whether teaching them to walk by themselves or handle their lives, your responsibility was to equip them with the right skills and instilling that confidence that you’ll always be a step behind.
It’s for you to choose whether you want to become less necessary or less relevant in their evolving lives.
