Ever tried to intervene in a fight between siblings, or a squabble in a park?
I know from experience it’s the most futile effort. No matter what you say, both sides feel they’re right.
Watching my kids fight like a couple of alley cats, I’ve often questioned my parenting skills.
I tried to be a loving parent who resolved their conflicts, but it only left me drained to the bone.
At first, I treated these fights as daily nuisances.
But after years of playing a referee, I’ve come to realise that these little battles have been my biggest teachers.
They’ve taught me about handling tears, negotiating peace treaties, and even picking up skills you’d normally expect to learn in boardrooms.
That’s why it’s essential, for your survival and theirs, that they be taught about conflict resolution at the earliest. The more I tried to solve it for them, the less they learned to solve it themselves.
Conflict resolution isn’t just about peace at home. It’s the foundation of skills the children will carry into classrooms, workplaces. It will shape them as leaders, setting them apart.
Understanding Conflict Resolution
Where there are people, there will be differences. Be it opinions, ideas, perspectives. And yes, there’s bound to be disagreements too.
But conflict doesn’t always have to include fist fights or sparring words. It depends on how you’re able to deal with it.
Focus on what can be done to reduce the negativity it inspires.
- Begin with communication skills.
Get your child to express themselves. I remember I asked my daughter once to explain why she was upset.
The focus was on the emotion, not the person. It makes it less confrontational. And eases the pressure off her (or she’d get defensive about whatever she’s feeling).
It completely changed her complaint. It no longer was directed towards someone or something. Instead she was now able to think clearly about what was the cause, and how to deal with it.
Building their communication skills is essential for this reason.
They’ve to learn to speak clearly and effectively. People are open to ideas when they understand what’s being told to them.
- Work on empathy and understanding.
Change the narrative by simply asking your child, “How’d you feel if this happened to you?” It just makes the penny drop.
With the change of perspective, finding themselves in the other person’s shoes, helps them to see the whole thing differently.
A changed perspective, an altered viewpoint, enables the child to develop a better understanding of the conflict.
They will learn about what the other person is thinking and their reasons for it. It will also open up opportunities for discussions, or brainstorming, or figuring out a amenable solution.
And more importantly, it will prevent the relationships from spiralling out of control. Be it with friends, family or colleagues. Anyone.
- Develop problem solving abilities
When children are made to think before they go all-out to sort things out, it helps them to come to (possibly) different solutions. It won’t be a knee-jerk reaction but something well thought out.
They will be able to think logically and calmly, and reach an amicable way to resolve the conflict.
Developing their problem solving abilities helps children to build on their confidence. They’re able to think creatively and take various viewpoints into consideration before deciding.
What This Means For Your Child
Building this type of mindset and attitude has to begin from childhood.
A child who learns to handle disagreements grows into a teenager who doesn’t throw a fit at the smallest slight.
And grows into an adult who knows how to navigate office politics without losing his cool!
Be it the football ground, or the class discussion, or selecting their team captain, children get enough opportunities to face conflicts and resolve them.
Understanding that conflicts or differences can be easily resolved without getting angry or throwing a tantrum, is a real skill which shows their emotional development.
It has long lasting impact on their personality as they grow.
Their social relationships improve as more people realise and appreciate their level-headed approach. This helps them make stronger friendships.
According to the American Psychological Association, children who practice conflict resolution early have a higher likelihood of having stronger relationships with peers and fewer behavioural issues in school.
The self-control builds their confidence in their own strengths, making them self-assured and focused.
If the child learns these skills early on, it gives them a longer time to practice.
They see the advantages of applying these skills as they build bridges, thus nurturing their innate leadership skills
As adults in the professional sphere, they’ll be better equipped compared to their peers.
Conflict resolution is a prized skill and can help them not only with personal development but also with career advancement.
Expectations From Parents
Kids are natural learners. They soak up what they see around them and learn from watching you.
And they’re constantly watching you. That’s both scary and comforting.
If they see you taking a deep breath instead of snapping, or calmly listening instead of shouting, they’ll try to replicate that later.
Copying you is the best compliment you can get. So, watch how you react. That’s where real teaching begins.
- Model calm communications during conflicts. Focus on the importance of patience, empathy, encouragement and positive reinforcement.
- Talk to them about why you reacted in a particular way. Speak to them. Ask them to voice their doubts and apprehensions.
- Teach “I feel…” statements. They’re powerful and help them to express themselves instead of getting into the blame-game.
- Encourage them to come up with more than one solution for the conflict. This helps them to think critically and creatively.
- Build that environment of non-judgemental support at home for them to feel comfortable.
- Praise their attempts at resolving the issue without focussing on the outcomes. They’re still learning.
In Short
Next time you see your children fighting, pause before you swoop in as judge and jury. Instead ask them to resolve the differences by themselves in a civilised and amicable manner.
It sounds impossible, but there has to be a starting point sometime.
It may not work the first time, or even the second or third time, but it will eventually someday. Every attempt builds their confidence.
You never know. You may be raising the next peacemaker (I didn’t mean George Clooney, but I won’t complain there).
