Haven’t we all done it at some point – make excuses. Either to get out of a sticky situation or because you don’t want to do whatever it is.
Making excuses comes naturally, as if by instinct, when faced with something uncomfortable.
And when it comes to dealing with children, it’s a go-to reaction.
I remember when my kid was little and wanted to go to a friend’s house for a play date, I had promptly responded that she was away on vacation. Imagine my embarrassment when the next day that girl landed up at our place. I had to spin a new narrative to save face.
Those harmless excuses may have helped to deal with the immediate situation but was it advisable in the long run?
Excuses are like sugar-coated lies – instant gratification yet leaves a sticky residue in the mouth.
Should you make excuses to your children or should you tell them the truth?
It’s a difficult choice, like walking a tightrope.
But it matters. For children learn how to communicate, tell what it is honestly instead of picking up diversion tactics.
Excuses and the Parent-Child Relationship
The first relationship that the child experiences is the one with the parent. It sets the tone for all the future connections and relationships.
So ensuring you set the right tone is crucial.
a. Modelling Excuse Behaviour
Remember you’re under constant observation. Your children are watching your every move.
The good, bad and ugly. They are absorbing all of it. That includes your habit of making excuses.
Every time they ask for something and your response is an excuse, you’re teaching them to deflect or avoid dealing with the issue.
Say, for example, they ask for a toy and you respond that you can’t buy the toy because the store’s closed.
You’ve dealt with this situation with a quick fix. But will that always work?
When they’re younger, maybe sometimes. But not always.
As they grow up, they learn it’s the best way to avoid dealing with the situation.
b. Impact on Trust
At some point, they’ll begin seeing through these small lies. And that can harm your relationship.
It can create cracks in the trust you share. The bubble has to burst at some point.
Children may begin to question the veracity of what you’re saying, even if you’re saying the truth.
The shop’s not closed during the day. Or that they had seen the shop open on their way back from school.
The older they get, the more perceptive they become.
Do you think it’s better to keep building on that excuse with more small lies?
Think long term.
c. Long-Term Consequences
It’s not about the now; it’s for lifetime.
Wouldn’t it be better to tell them the truth so they learn to accept disappointment?
When you’re upfront with them, your honesty becomes the default response. They learn to be prepared for it.
And if the response is disappointing, don’t have to get all guilty and give in. Children learn to confront discomfort or the boundaries you have set with resilience.
It helps build their emotional maturity. They learn that manipulation is not an option.
A study by the University of Toronto shows that children as young as 6 can detect dishonesty in adults, and model their behaviour accordingly. Can you believe that?
It discourages this kind of deviant behaviour in them over time.
Believe in your goals enough to create a way, not create excuses.
Does Honest Communication Works Better Than Excuses?
Parenting is a highly demanding role. It needs you to be constantly thinking on your toes. You’re the referee and coach in a game where rules change in seconds. There’s a constant ethical tug of war between making excuses and being honest.
The former provides instant results and the latter ensures lifelong positive results but demands consistency.
But aren’t the long term benefits of truthfulness preferable anytime compared to the instant gratification?
It encourages open dialog. When you say no, the children are bound to question and argue. (“Why can’t we go? You said tomorrow yesterday!”)
Don’t fear such outbursts or confrontations. Use them to as a chance to explain the reasons.
This type of open conversation helps develop clarity and mutual respect. It may take some time depending on the emotional maturity of the child.
Children will learn about real world interactions and problem solving.
Your honest responses will assist the children to understand the why. And once that happens, they’ll definitely cooperate more. This reduces the constant power struggles.
It builds a form of discipline and self-regulation in the children.
Your reactions and responses will encourage them to speak the truth honestly, handle awkward situations, and deal with uncomfortable interactions.
They will develop the courage to deal with such situations without hiding behind flimsy excuses.
Of course, being honest is great but there are moments when sparing your child from harsh truths may be necessary. Do it but those should be exceptions, not the norm.
Practical Tips on How to Communicate Honestly Without Being Harsh
- Use age-appropriate honesty. Explain things in a way they can understand without overwhelming them with too many facts or too much emotional swing. Keep things simple.
- Be kind and clear. Reframe your message so the message doesn’t sound harsh. For example, instead of “We aren’t going to the park today. That’s it”, try “We can’t go to the park today because I’m tired, and I need to rest. We’ll go tomorrow.” Sounds reasonable and acceptable to the child.
- Practice empathetic listening. Acknowledge their disappointment or confusion. Don’t justify your choice with a false reason. It’ll make it worse.
- Let children know it’s okay to feel frustrated or upset when things don’t go their way. But you still tell them the truth, calmly and gently.
Maturity is when you stop complaining and making excuses, and start making changes. – Roy T. Bennett (The Light in the Heart)
Navigating Parent-Child Communication in the Digital Age
There’s no getting away from the gadgets. They may provide tons of information but not all sources are fountains of knowledge.
One of my students insisted what he had seen on YouTube was true because his mother had allowed him to watch it.
As an educator, I often find myself in tricky situations like this. If I had insisted on it being incorrect then I showed his mother in poor light; and if I let him continue with that belief then he was learning something wrong.
Children have to be explained these discrepancies and inconsistencies that they get to see online.
Also, be careful what you say is unavailable if they’re able to see it right there online. Like saying no to some program when they can see it available on another platform.
Don’t ignore your own online behaviour. If you’re available yet pretend to be unavailable. Or misrepresent facts. What’s your child learning?
This sets up conflicting beliefs for them. What’s right? Whom should I believe?
Finally, Building a Relationship Rooted in Respect, Not Convenience
Making excuses helps you tide over the sticky situation, sweeping it under the carpet so you don’t have to deal with it at that moment. But hiding it or postponing it also doesn’t solve the problem.
It’s like a festering wound, waiting to spread the infection further. It causes pain, is uncomfortable, creates discomfort.
A truthful answer may taste like a bitter pill. But unlike an excuse, it will actually heal. That momentary bitterness will be helpful in the future.
It will build a relationship based on trust and respect.
Best is to prepare the children who value truth. Show them how it’s done.
After years of experimenting and trials and practicing, I’ve reached a stage where I don’t have to make excuses or give some frivolous reason; I just tell them what it is and they understand. It costed some tears and heartbreaks and disappointments.
But the end result? Lasting peace, and pride in their growth.
Spare a moment to think what’s the one recent moment when you told your child the truth, even though it was uncomfortable? How did it go?