When was the last time you argued? What was the reason? Most of the time you won’t even remember the cause for that altercation.
It’s because most arguments begin with a story, a story that germinates in our hyper-agitated minds.
Each time it begins like every other conversation. Then things change the moment you assume intent.
You decide why the other person said what they said and stop listening.
You fill in the blanks, interpret their tone, timing and word choice. And then you decide to respond to your version of it.
That’s when conversations quietly shift from dialogue to defence. Feels familiar, right?
The Story We Tell Ourselves
It’s happened to each one of us; nothing to hide or feel ashamed about.
Someone forgets to call back and you assume they don’t care. A child refuses to listen to you and you assume they’re being disrespectful. Someone gives you a monosyllabic response and you assume they’re being rude.
See what’s happening? You move to conclusions in seconds, based on random incidents without checking the truth. There’s no curiosity to know the cause or reason.
And since you’ve decided someone’s motivation, listening feels unnecessary. The whole exercise of trying to understand the other person appears futile.
You’ve already begun preparing your counterargument.
Most arguments aren’t about disagreements. They’re about misunderstood motivations.
One person is trying to explain the impact and the other person is trying to defend the intentions. Both walk away feeling unheard.
Explanation vs Inquiry
If you’ve witnessed an argument you know how it goes. It begins with one person trying to explain.
“I didn’t mean it that way.”
“You’re misunderstanding me.”
“That’s not what I said.”
But it’s just one side of the whole interaction. It’s incomplete without inquiry, or else it sounds like dismissal.
Changing the question or formulating it differently can help diffuse the situation.
Instead of “Why are you overreacting?”, you can ask “What part is upsetting you?” – See, you’re trying to find the cause or reason.
“What did you hear me say?” sounds better instead of “You’re twisting my words.” It sounds non-accusatory.
Inquiry slows down the pace of the argument, preventing it from blowing out of proportions. It shifts the communication from performance to interpretation, allowing you space for grasping the context.
Listening for Motivation, Not Just Words
The next time there’s an argument, don’t just focus on the words. Go beyond and try to listen for the motivation.
If someone’s frustrated, that’s critical data. If someone’s sounding defensive, find out why.
When you focus on only the logic, you miss out the emotions involved. And those emotions, whether acknowledged or not, are what drive the conversation.
Doesn’t matter whether you agree or not with the person, what matters during the conversation is that you recognise them, and acknowledge them.
When you acknowledge their experience, they feel seen and their defence lowers. They no longer are looking for a verbal duel.
And just like that you’ve diffused an uncomfortable situation.
Before the Argument Begins
The next time a conversation feels tense, pause before responding. Ask yourself if you’re reacting to what was said, or what you believed it meant.
That single question can prevent hours of unnecessary conflict.
Conversations don’t fall apart because people think differently. They fall apart because people stop asking why.
And all it takes is one question that you need to ask yourself to make the difference.
