“Be strong.”
“Don’t cry.”
“Man up.”
These phrases, and similar ones, are tossed around casually when talking to boys. It’s almost instinctive. No thought given whatsoever to its impact or outcome.
Have you ever thought from the boys’ point of view? What ideas do they grow up with? What transformations their true personality undergoes as they change themselves to fit into the stereotypes defined by society?
If you want to prepare them for the current society, then they’ve to be taught to be empathetic, recognise not just their emotions but of those around them.
The old script of masculinity doesn’t fit the modern world anymore. For the boys to become emotionally healthy men or considerate leaders, they must be taught to not stifle or ignore their emotions.
Strength doesn’t come from being emotionally guarded or tough or dominant.
It’s time to broaden the definition of masculinity and redefine what strength actually means.
The Old Script: Toughness Above All
Boys are praised for their competitiveness and stoicism. Even celebrated for their toughness. A single teardrop can get teased.
“He’s crying like a girl.” Conventional view of masculinity is emotional control and dominance.
To avoid getting teased and being ridiculed, he shuts off from empathy, communication and vulnerability. Not healthy for the young mind.
It’s painful to watch that happening. I’ve seen how a little 7year old closed off his emotions, wiped his tears and cloaked himself in fake bravado when his friends started laughing and joking about his tears.
Never mind that he was bleeding and needed stitches.
Never mind that he was in pain, scared and confused.
Until then he was holding on to me tight. After that, I couldn’t reach him; there was an invisible wall between us.
That moment stayed with me even after so many years. Not because he was my student; because that’s what every boy is learning. That emotions are not allowed.
Why the Old Script No Longer Fits
But is this kind of ‘masculinity’ the need of the hour? I don’t think so. What’s needed is someone who has the emotional intelligence to handle the situation.
Someone who is empathetic, can resolve conflict, knows how to express feelings, and even handle failure gracefully.
A boss who feels the need to crush his juniors, or the father who needs to pretend to be right always, have been taught to control and win. That’s how they validate their masculinity.
Is it more powerful for a boy to stand up to a bully or to join them? Is it stronger to cry openly than to suppress his tears until they harden into anger?
Someone needs to tell him that true masculinity is not about discarding strength. It’s about balancing that and compassion.
Nurturing and empathy build lasting bonds. That’s why strength without empathy becomes brittle.
Teaching Boys a New Masculinity
Society can lay the rules but it all begins at home, at school. It’s here they get to see their first role models of strength. The change begins with you.
- Talk openly about emotions at home.
When you share your emotions, children learn to take it as normal. Telling them you’re tired or frustrated or angry or even scared, shows them that emotions are not weakness but a part of being a human.
- Use everyday conflicts as teaching moments
When siblings fight, get the boys to use words instead of aggression. “I feel…” statements are far more constructive than lashing out in anger. Also, it teaches them communication and empathy and problem solving.
- Show them male role models who embody kindness and strength
When they see it themselves, it’ll be easier to accept it. Real life figures who display quite courage without aggression, leaders who support without domination. Maybe a sports captain who they admire. They’ll see how that kind of strength inspires respect.
- Let them learn to take care
Taking care teaches them responsibility, patience and compassion. Let them help you with cooking a meal, or caring for a pet or even taking care of younger siblings or elderly grandparents. All their duties need not be competitive.
- Encourage respectful communication
Their language need not be brash or rude to prove their masculinity. Show them how speaking respectfully is empowering. Fathers and male teachers who admit mistakes or apologise will show the boys the power of humility.
The Bigger Picture: Raising Men the World Needs
The world doesn’t need men who dominate. It needs men who can stand tall, lead with compassion and embrace their emotions unabashedly.
Remember the tagline for the Raymonds ad “For The Complete Man”? Let it not be just for the ads. Teach him that a truly strong man is not just powerful physically. He’s considerate, empathetic and not afraid to be himself.
So the next time you tell him to “be a man”, pause. Ask yourself what kind of a man you want him to become.
