“Boys don’t cry.”
Admit it. That’s the first reaction when your son or a little boy breaks into tears. It’s the one thought that echoes in the background.
This is one line that has been said innumerable times, repeated endlessly without realising.
It got me thinking when one of the mother’s reacted with a quick “It’s okay, you’re fine, be strong.”
It was a different reaction from the boys don’t cry. It looked like a better way of helping him tough enough.
But in retrospect, I feel that maybe that was not the right way of doing it. It’s basically asking the boys to ignore their emotions, push them aside in order to become stronger.
But ignoring your feelings doesn’t make you stronger. It makes you quieter, teaches you to suppress your emotions. In the long run, quieter isn’t stronger.
What Exactly is Emotional Intelligence?
Everyone’s talking about emotional intelligence and how it’s important for personal growth.
Emotional intelligence isn’t about being sensitive or being in touch with your feelings. It’s about recognising feelings, your own and others’.
It’s not about crying at every movie scene (though honestly, who hasn’t teared up at Coco?)
At its core, emotional intelligence is about four simple but powerful things:
- Self-awareness – knowing what you’re feeling and why.
- Self-control – being able to manage those feelings instead of letting them manage you.
- Empathy – noticing how others feel, and caring about it.
- Social skills/leadership – building strong, respectful relationships.
Think about it. If the boys could grow up mastering just these 4 areas, wouldn’t that prepare them better for life than any exam or sports trophy ever could?
Why Boys Need Emotional Intelligence More Than Ever
For generations, boys have been taught that most emotions equal weakness. That a real man is someone stoic, impenetrable, unaffected by emotions.
Anger, maybe, is “acceptable” but other emotions? Sadness? Fear? Vulnerability? Those are never to be expressed. They get shoved under the carpet.
But hiding them won’t make them disappear. Bottled up emotions just show up in other ways. The stress of constantly suppressing their emotions makes them more likely to act out.
Sudden bursts of rage, shutting people out, difficulty in forming close relationships, dealing with stress by themselves (leading to mental health issues), or even struggling to work together.
By teaching boys to handle different emotions early in life, you can provide them a healthier roadmap to emotional intelligence.
It helps them:
- Communicate clearly instead of bottling up.
- Build friendships and partnerships based on trust that last.
- Lead in ways that inspire, not intimidate.
- Stay steady when life throws curveballs.
True strength isn’t about hiding tears, it’s about knowing when to ask for help. It’s not silence in the face of pain, but honesty in the face of struggle.
Look around you. Notice the people, rather the men, you admire.
Chances are you like them because they showed empathy, listened to the people, and led with heart as much as with strategy. In short, they are a better person, partner, colleague, or leader.
This is what makes people begin to warm up to you, trust you, follow you, and finally, stand with you.
You become someone you’d want to have in your own life, don’t you think so?
That’s the kind of strength boys will have to carry into manhood.
Lesson to be learnt – True strength is not about burying emotions. It’s about understanding and using them wisely.
So, How Do We Teach This to Our Boys?
No summer classes or expensive workshops needed. All it needs is intention. Small, daily things will make the biggest difference.
Here are some of the things that have worked for me, both at home and in the classroom:
1. Model openness. If you want boys to share, you need to show them it’s safe. When you says, “I felt frustrated at work today, but I took a walk and it helped,” it teaches him more than any textbook ever could.
It shows him that there are other ways, positive, non-toxic, non-aggressive ways, of dealing with emotions.
2. Give emotions a name. When a boy says he’s “fine” but clearly isn’t, help him put words to it. Sad? Embarrassed? Disappointed?
Naming it takes away the scariness. And makes it easier to identify the feeling. It teaches him to connect his feelings to his experiences.
3. Validate the feeling, not every action. “It’s okay to be angry. It’s not okay to throw the remote.”
This distinction helps them see emotions as natural but their behaviours or reactions are their choices. Something in their control.
Something which will have consequences for them, hence needs them to think before acting.
4. Build empathy through practice. Make empathy less abstract through actions like caring for a pet, helping a sibling, even role-playing.
Ask them “How would you feel if …”. It becomes more concrete.
5. Solve problems together. Ask: “What do you think might help in this situation?” This enables them to start flexing those decision-making and self-control muscles early.
It was not about making boys “girlish”, or less “boyish.” It’s about making them more human.
The Payoff Down the Road
The beautiful part of bringing up boys in this wholesome method is, you get a deep satisfaction of “work well done” when you see the results.
My friend was sitting all by herself, coping with the pain of her mother’s ill-health, when she finds a cup of green tea before her. There was her son with the warm beverage and an equally warm smile. This small gesture was way more healing than any words.
When boys grow up with emotional intelligence, they exude a quiet confidence, a calm strength that permeates into the spaces they enter.
Their unique skills benefits them and those around them. They won’t just move through the world, they’ll lift those around them.
They become friends who stand by you. Colleagues who make teamwork effortless. Leaders who listen before they speak. Partners who communicate with honesty. Fathers who don’t just provide but also connect.
Their ability to relate with others around them and bond emotionally, makes them the type of person you’d want around you.
And in a world that often feels divided and unforgiving, it’s these rare men who provide hope in humanity, remind us that kindness and empathy are still alive.
Isn’t his the kind of man you’d want your son or ward to grow into?
Closing Thought
True leaders (anywhere, not just at work or politics) are those who know how to feel, how to manage those feelings, and how to connect with the people around them.
So maybe the next time your little boy comes crying to you, don’t get tempted to hush his tears or urge him to “man up”.
Instead pause to ask yourself if you’re teaching him to bury his feelings or helping him to build strength to face them?
Your aim must be to raising an emotionally secure boy who grows up to be a well-balanced adult.
Rework your parenting strategies for outcomes that get lauded by everyone who comes in contact with him.
It starts with you. Right here, at home, with the boys you’re raising today.
