Have you gone all out to please someone and later felt totally shitty about yourself?
Worked so hard on seeking someone’s approval but once done you felt worse than before?
Why is that? Why was it not satisfying or giving you a personal high?
Because deep down you know that you paid a very big price for it – you sacrificed your self-respect!
It’s a familiar experience. Accepting it may be difficult but denying it will be an even greater error.
The Internal Tug-of-War
The subtle trade-off between approval and self-respect is an ongoing struggle each of you experiences. How do you deal with it, what lessons you learn from it, are up to you.
Start off by understanding the difference between wanting to be liked and your self-respect.
Who doesn’t want to be liked by others? It’s an instinctive need as a social being. But does being liked by others have to come with the price? Do you have to achieve popularity at the cost of yourself respect?
Do not ignore this internal struggle.
People often tolerate disrespect in the naive hope that one day it will change into acceptance; that by allowing others to treat you in that disrespectful manner, you’re showing them your humility or accommodative nature.
That’s an illusion. Nothing like this is going to happen, ever.
What’s instead happening is that you’re setting the trend for how you can be treated by others. You’re showing that you lack the confidence in yourself. That you ‘re wanting in strength of character.
If you don’t take yourself seriously, how is it that you’re expecting others to? You’ve shown them that you don’t value yourself, then why must they?
Your equation with others, be it your peers or seniors, is based on how you treat yourself, how you conduct yourself, the confidence you exude.
Letting others push you around, walk over you, belittle you in public, or even treat you disrespectfully before others, is giving others the idea how to treat you.
Are you letting this happen to you?
The first step towards reclaiming your confidence and self-respect is setting boundaries.
Why Self-Respect Should Come First
Your degree of self-respect is what’s setting the standards for how others treat you.
You’re letting others know you’re sure about yourself, are confident and self-assured.
Remember Elle Woods from Legally Blonde? Her character is the perfect example of how you can be liked and respected, and yet gain the approval of others.
I know it’s not the best of examples but the character’s journey is worth thinking about. Her transformation wasn’t about gaining approval but about being true to herself.
Her attempts to be liked and included fell flat when she first joined the university. Even when she became the joke of the class and campus, she did not compromise with her self-respect. Instead of getting desperate for approval, she worked hard at being accepted on her own terms.
I know that’s a movie. But what it highlights is that it’s in your hands how you deal with this situation.
Do you want to take the easier route and give them to being treated as a nobody? Or do you want to put in the effort to get people to like you for what you are, without compromising on yourself respect?
Tolerating Disrespect Is a Downhill Road
Self-respect is an attitude. It needs working on. But do not confuse this with arrogance or selfishness.
Self-respect is how you value yourself, your self-esteem. The more you’re aware of your worth, the greater will be your confidence in yourself, and the more your sense of self will develop.
The way you treat yourself gets reflected in subtle ways and that gives out the signals to others to treat you in a similar way.
By allowing disrespectful behaviour, you’re causing emotional damage to yourself. Your anger, frustration and resentment will keep festering like an open wound causing you pain and discomfort.
Like the constant lashing of the waves, the continuous disrespectful behaviour can erode your self-esteem. By giving in to others, going with what they’ve to say instead of what you want to say, will over time steal you off your individuality, your unique voice, your identity.
Recognising and accepting it is the first step towards bringing about the positive change.
Time To Think
Is it really worth losing your identity to gain the approval of someone who doesn’t value you for yourself?
How much of yourself do you’ve to sacrifice for someone’s approval?
How much is enough?
Think about these deeply.
The worst that can happen is you may not get the approval of a particular set of people. Look around, there may be others who look up to you, like you for who you are.
Do you fear losing people just because you don’t want to go pleasing them? Maybe you need to meet new people, get a fresh perspective or find another way. And there’s always another way.
Be proud of who you are. Think hard before exchanging yourself respect for the temporary approval of a few.
