“The report is due next week. I need to finish it today.”
“I’ll have salad for lunch.”
“This year I’ll go on more vacations than buying a new car.”
Simple decisions, isn’t it? That’s how it is for the adults. It’s a neat, logical exercise where you choose between options A and B. Or a Yes or No. Or right or wrong.
This works for us because over the years we’ve had lots of practice at weighing pros and cons, considering outcomes, and then moving on.
But that’s not how it works for children. Decisions are not just about the choice itself. They become emotional negotiations. Messy, nuanced, and deeply personal.
When a child hesitates, its not because they’re indecisive but because they’re processing far more than you realise.
Haven’t you noticed the intense discussions even when it’s something as simple as choosing which friend to play with?
On the surface it looks trivial, even silly. I mean, it’s just a game. But underneath, there’s a whole complex emotional calculation going on.
If I play with her, will the other feel left out?
What if someone gets upset?
What if I’m blamed for being unfair?
This isn’t poor decision making, it’s the first steps of empathy when making decisions at work.
Choices Carry Feelings, Not Just Consequences
When a child is making a decision, they carry the emotional weight of both theirs and the other person’s.
Simple choices like a seat, a partner, a team, or a turn isn’t done in isolation. It becomes a process through which they learn how choices have a ripple effect.
That’s the reason why they stall, change their minds repeatedly, or seek constant reassurances. They’re not looking for the “right” answer. They’re looking for something which makes them feel emotionally safe.
Decision making becomes their first real practice lab in real life.
They learn:
- to pause instead of reacting.
- to consider the feelings of others.
- to sit through discomfort, and
- that they can’t please everyone with their decision.
These are life skills, not logical but emotional.
Accept it. Each one of us is guilty at some point of rushing the children through their decision making process.
“Just pick one”, “It’s not a big deal”, “Stop overthinking” – sounds familiar?
Unintentionally, by forcing them to override their thinking and evaluation, you’re teaching them instead to ignore them.
When Adults Focus Only on Outcomes
Parents often evaluate decisions by outcomes.
Did it work?
Did it avoid conflict?
Did it keep things smooth?
That’s because they had years to fine tune their process.
But children don’t learn from the outcomes alone; they learn from the process.
When they miss steps in the process, their learning is incomplete. If they choose quickly but feel uneasy, that unease stays. If they choose slowly but feel heard, then confidence grows.
Emotional intelligence develops through supported choices, and feeling confident about those choices.
Adults stepping in to decide for children sends the wrong signal to them. That their opinion doesn’t matter, especially since it takes too much time.
This is certainly not what you want to teach them. Every learning has to happen in its own time.
Decision Making Is Emotional Training
Why do you want to teach your child decision-making? Because you want them to be independent, build their critical thinking, and develop their emotional literacy.
By nurturing their decision making skills, children learn that emotions are a part of the process and must not be seen as distractions.
They learn to make well-thought out choices without being fearful. They understand that disagreements are healthy, bringing together different viewpoints, and don’t equal disaster.
And most importantly, they learn to live with discomfort rising from their choices.
And these skills they carry into friendships, workplaces, and relationships long after they’ve outgrown the toy, game, or seat decisions.
So the next time you see a child struggling with making a decision, resist the urge to decide for them.
Let them take their time. Ask what’s bothering them. Provide support. Let them feel the weight of the choice. And finally, let them relish the satisfaction of making the decision.
Don’t forget the objective is to make them better decision makers while shaping their emotional intelligence.
