Every time I’m in a gathering of parents (especially those younger ones) I prefer to zip my mouth.
Listening to them, I imagine myself as a tyrannical mother. Strict about timings and schedules and routines, accountability and responsibility, discipline and manners, and so on.
I often slide into the whirlpool of doubts, and review my parenting methods. It’s a continuous and endless process with no retirement age. And I’ve loved every moment of it. Then why this self-doubt?
I’ll tell you why. It’s because of this new concept I keep hearing from other enlightened moms. “Relaxed parenting”.
Now wait, what’s that? I’ve brought up two kids, and believe me when I tell you there’s nothing relaxed about parenting!
The dictionary meaning of relaxed is “being free of or relieved from tension or anxiety”; “not strict; easy; informal”.
These certainly don’t apply to parenting.
When Respect Turns Into Reluctance
Yes, the techniques have undergone massive changes in keeping up with the changing times.
The boundaries have got diluted, and the hierarchies, flexible.
Parents and children enjoy a more collaborative and engaging relationship where communication is much more open. The family is more like a team than a modified authoritative ecosystem.
But before you begin celebrating this new system, ask yourself this uncomfortable question no one wants to ask – is relaxed parenting intentional or just convenient?
There’s a conscious avoidance of power struggles. Maybe it’s because you’re tired, or because you feel your child is emotionally developed to engage in negotiations.
The result is every decision becomes a discussion. It’s like a democracy. Somewhere along the way, “respect” is replaced with hesitation.
But that’s not what a child needs. Of course, they need a voice but they also need direction.
Boundaries Are Not Oppression
The boundaries are not cruelty. They provided structure and safety. They were like the invisible walls that allowed the child to be themselves because someone else was ready to step in when needed.
Now words like discipline and boundaries are used to make parenting appear loftier.
I just couldn’t get my head around when parents would complaint that the kids don’t listen to them. There was no system or routines at home, or controls on use of gadgets.
The lack of boundaries confuses the child. The open choices create anxiety. And the fluid flexibility teaches them to push and test the limits.
Their thinking hasn’t developed to the extent where they can decide what’s good or bad for them, or how much is too much. They’re learning by watching those around them.
By hesitating, parents are exposing their indecisiveness and uncertainty. Relaxed parenting doesn’t mean relaxed standards.
You can be both firm and empathetic. Your ‘No’ can follow with an acknowledgement of their feeling.
Your clarity and firmness brings a sense of calm and security to the child.
Are You Afraid of Being Disliked?
Now ask yourself an honest question – are you worried your child will dislike you if you correct them?
Maybe you’re trying to correct the ways you (and most of us) were raised. You’re determined not to repeat the old patterns.
Maybe the unyielding strictness you experienced has made you equate disciplined with emotional damage.
You don’t want to say ‘No’ for fear of creating a deep divide between you and your child.
It’s a landmine each of us crosses daily, with every question, with each situation.
But parenting isn’t a popularity contest. You’re not here to be liked in the moment.
You’re here to build adults who can handle discomfort, are fine with boundaries, and can function without constant applause.
Time For You To Take A Call
Healthy relaxed parenting is good if a balance is maintained.
Your child will feel calm since you’re confident of your decisions. You listen without surrendering your authority.
And most importantly, you acknowledge their feelings without endorsing every behaviour. Say, the child can be angry but not disrespectful.
This kind of balance is lots more difficult to practice than strictness. It needs you to be in control of your own self at all times.
It needs you to be consistent with your decisions. And in case of ‘relax’ decisions, you must tell them that it’s an one-off.
So maybe it’s not ‘relaxed’ parenting after all. It’s regulated parenting.
Calm, Not Compliant
It may sound cool when you claim you’re a relaxed or chilled out parent.
But remember your child’s behaviour can expose the harsh truths for others to see.
Ask yourself if your relaxed methods are helping the child grow into an emotionally strong adult?
You may be giving in every time, but the world won’t.
Children don’t need parents who are relaxed. They need parents who are steady.
