Morning walks are supposed to be destressing. But I instead get all riled up.
Reason? Watching parents carrying the school bags while their little (some not-so-little) brats walk alongside.
What’s happening? Why is it unthinkable for the parents to allow their children to do their things themselves?
Isn’t this over-doing everything for the kids not adversely impacting their growth, their personal development?
The prompt response on asking this was that they’ve their whole life to manage their things.
Most modern parents act like full-time crisis managers for pint-sized CEOs. I’m not joking.
Is that a smart parenting strategy – rushing in to fix everything, or should it be doing less so they learn by themselves?
The Myth of the “Always-There” Parent
I read on LinkedIn recently a post by a single mother who wrote about the criticism and judgment she faced for getting her sons to work at home, helping her with the house work.
Many questioned her ability to be a good parent, or mother.
Teaching her sons to make parathas? Unthinkable.
But if you step down from the high horse, you’ll realise that she’s not just raising two sons but two self-sufficient and independent human beings.
They’ll also grow up with empathy and compassion because they understand the value of the work at home (unlike most others).
Switch to those kids who had no problem letting their bedraggled father or hassled mother to carry their school bags.
Their entitled attitude will never be able to understand what’s wrong with what’s happening.
Do you think they’ll ever learn to carry out their responsibilities at home or elsewhere? Will they care for the comfort of their parents or others?
It’s the hard-to-accept reality.
The Unrealistic Expectations
The society is creating unrealistic expectations and the parents are falling into the trap.
A good parent is expected to anticipate every need of their child and deal with it well in time.
That line between need and want is rapidly getting blurred. With every need getting fulfilled the minute they say it, it’s making the children more demanding and dependent.
You want to fix their rooms, their toys, their homework, even their social conflicts. Most can’t seem to be able to do anything without an app or parental assistance.
Your rushing in, to fix everything, is depriving them of the chance to learn to fix it themselves.
Is that what you want?
It’s time to stop treating the kids like some porcelain doll who needs to be kept safe from the ugly world of responsibility and adulting.
Why Doing Less Actually Leads to More
When you step away, you’re neither abandoning them nor your responsibility.
You’re instead providing them a chance to explore the world (under your supervision) and figure it out.
Every failure, every obstacle teaches them real world skills.
They learn to handle disappointments, tolerate frustrations, think creatively, evaluate their choices, and make their own decisions.
If they don’t face the small challenges now, how will they learn to deal with the bigger ones later?
You’re their support, their guide, always there for them. Advise them, give suggestions, but let them figure it out themselves.
Let them totter and fall. Lend them the support to rise up again.
Small Responsibilities lead to Big Competencies
Teaching children about responsibilities is really not a big deal. But it needs your commitment.
And that will happen when you see the big picture, see how it impacts the future.
Are you bringing up children who lack resilience or internalise helplessness?
Ask them to make their beds daily or pack their school bags. It becomes a routine that instils discipline.
Ask them to –
- do specific chores. Doing it repeatedly, they’ll learn through iteration.
- manage allowances. It teaches them budgeting and consequences, like what happens when overspending.
- create their own schedules. It’ll teach them about time management and prioritising.
When you begin giving them autonomy in small doses, they’ll learn to manage themselves.
This freedom builds their motivation and self-confidence. They feel trusted and more responsible.
I’d often repeat to my students that preparing their school bags was their responsibility not their parent’s or anybody else’s.
Even during the online classes, I’d ask them to show me if they had correctly packed their school bag.
Even back in the physical classroom, the practice continued.
I felt a sense of achievement when a student from the previous year came to my classroom and proudly showed how he had packed his school bag.
All it needs is intention and consistency. Not perfection but participation – yours and your child’s.
The Parent’s Growth Curve
Constantly worrying about your child is inevitable and unavoidable. But stepping back is equally necessary for both you.
You’ll learn to control your urge to intervene and trust them more. It’ll allow you time to think if you’re doing it because of your own fears, or guilt, or competition, or their perceived inability.
Allowing your child the space to grow will enable you to relax and enjoy parenting.
This brings to the bigger issue here. Don’t let parenting become stressful. Overcontrolling can lead to unpleasant (and dangerous) situations as the children grow.
Instead of them rebelling or demanding freedom, build it up gradually so both of you adapt to it easily.
Let them know you’re there for them. Encourage them to take the next step, make mistakes.
Talk to them. Ask them what they’re planning to do next. Provide suggestions, not solutions.
This is the best way to learn for them.
Conclusion: The Hard Truth Wrapped in Sarcasm
You don’t need to follow the societal template to be a good parent. Do what works for you and your child. Find the path both of you are comfortable on.
You’ll know you’ve done a good job when you see your child handling anything that comes their way effortlessly and with confidence.
Preparing them for the world outside is your job. And you’re doing it well. Believe it. And trust them.
Do you want to keep carrying their ‘school bags’ for life or rather let them do it themselves?
When you do less for them, it’s not because you don’t care or love them.
Au contraire, it’s intentional parenting. Your kids learn to do more when you do less.
