A child is being properly educated only when he is learning to become independent of his parents.
-Hyman Rickover
This quote by Hyman Rickover is one of my favourites and I had put it up in my classroom.
I so believe in this. It perfectly encapsulates that raising independent children is the foundation of their success.
If you want to raise successful children, first let them learn to be independent, both in thought and actions.
You can’t expect a child to reach his or her full potential when they’re constantly seeking assistance or asking you what to do.
Mike Tyson says ‘You need to earn independence. You have to be independent – it builds character.’
It also builds their ability to become themselves. It gives them the confidence to believe in themselves.
As a parent, the best support you can provide your child is to become independent.
Building The Building Blocks Of Independence
The usual route is to go on and talk about building their decision making abilities, fostering their problem-solving skills, encouraging them to take risks and face challenges, become resilient and learn from their experiences.
They can do all this and more if, and only if, you’ve released them from your apron strings.
The primary reason parents are not comfortable with the child becoming independent is because they’ll no longer remain their little babies.
Accept the changes, parents. This is life, there’s no status quo. Your children are growing up.
While its natural to worry about your child failing or struggling, but remember these moments are the stepping stones to growth.
Anything on the contrary would be detrimental to their growth as an individual. They need to have confidence in themselves, in what they’re thinking, in their actions.
This confidence will develop if they’re allowed to experiment, fail, try, persevere; not when they ‘re made to live inside a carefully constructed bubble.
Each experience of theirs teaches them something about life. At that stage, in their early years, each lesson is important. It helps in shaping their thoughts and ideas and perspectives.
When we shield children from failure or choreograph success for them, we’re distorting the experiences they need in order to grow.
-Madeline Levine
Accepting The Truth With Courage
I’ve seen parents doing every silly little thing for their children in the name of love. But that’s not love; that’s restricting their growth.
During the online classes (the pandemic phase), I had a parent who would be constantly hovering in the background, shuttling between the twins in my class.
For one of the online competitions, both the children performed amazingly. It was obvious that they had help (a lot of it).
That was the transition time and in a few weeks, we recommenced with regular offline classes. All children were back in the classrooms.
For the next phase of the competition, when the top performers were asked to participate, the twins performed abysmally. Not surprising.
It couldn’t be any more clearer that the over involvement of the parent was crippling the child’s growth, preventing them from adapting to challenges independently.
What was even more surprising was the mother’s defence that the kids were used to online format and hence couldn’t cope with the change. Really? You wanted tow that line?
It’s these incidents which make me wonder who needs lessons in accepting reality – the parent or the child?
How does it help the child to believe in their non-existent abilities?
Would it not be better to work and strengthen their existing skills? It’ll certainly lead to developing their more innate skills in the future.
How Does It Help If The Child Becomes Independent?
If you want to raise independent children, first let them accept and be comfortable with who they are.
Allow them the opportunities to do what they can do by themselves. Spoon feeding can’t be a lifelong thing.
Let them not get overwhelmed facing challenges. Allow them to make mistakes, get intrigued by them, and learn something through that process.
You don’t have to praise their every effort. Liberate them from the constant need for approval and applause.
Let them build their confidence by themselves. True confidence comes from overcoming self-doubt. Teach them how to mend their confidence with each challenge they conquer. It’s only then can they be truly independent.
A dependent child is demanding. A bitter truth. They want you to do everything for them. They fail to learn about responsibility, accountability, resilience, perseverance or empathy.
Such children will forever depend on others, even as adults. They’ll lack the confidence to be on their own.
To develop their independent mindset, children have to be allowed opportunities to do things by themselves. Be it buttoning their shirt, tying their shoe laces, packing their school bags, or doing their chores. So what if they fail? Look at it this way – they’re learning how not to do it!
Create an environment at home that nurtures their independence. Reassure them that you’re there for them at all times, but that they’ve to try by themselves before turning to you.
Gradually increase the difficulty or complexity of their challenges so they adapt and learn better.
Give them responsibilities. Teach them accountability and ownership. Show them to be persevering and resilient.
Think About It
Raising children who’re independent is actually about trust – in yourself and in their ability. It’s about stepping back so they can step up.
The best gift ever is when you empower your child to think, act, and grow independently.
And isn’t that what you want as parents? To raise children who are capable, resilient, and ready to take on the world with their own two feet?
So, loosen those apron strings a little. Be their guide, not their crutch.
And always remind yourself – you’re not raising a child; you’re raising an adult who’ll one day thank you for teaching them to stand tall.
When you let them fly, you’ll be amazed at how far they’ll soar.
