What if I told you that the one thing most parents avoid is the very thing that makes kids more confident, capable and resilient?
When I mentioned to a parent that their child needs some discipline at home to help him take ownership of his learning, the father instantly took offence.
He pointed out that they were an “open minded” family and did not follow such outdated and regressive systems which micro-managed the child.
What?? When did disciplining your child become regressive or outdated?
I tried explaining to the parent but I know a lost cause, so gave up thereafter.
In retrospect, I realised he’s not alone in thinking like this. Most parents think of discipline as a dirty word, something repulsive, something to stay away from.
Say the D-word and Miss Trunchbull (from Matilda) comes to mind. Someone who’s overly authoritarian or harsh or strict.
But that’s not the truth. Let’s clear the air here. Think of discipline as the invisible scaffolding that supports a child’s future.
Discipline ≠ Punishment: Let’s Get It Straight
Discipline is not punishment.
Discipline means teaching the child, guiding them, showing them how to do something, by setting consistent expectations.
Parents fear disciplining their child because they don’t want to scold or shout or punish them. That’s not what disciplining is all about.
When you’re disciplining the child, you’re setting long term goals which they feel self-motivated to follow.
Punishments don’t do that. They’ll stop doing it once the fear factor is removed.
If your aim is to raise self-regulated, responsible individuals, discipline will show you the way.
Why Your Child Needs Discipline (More Than You Think)
Discipline creates structures. This is reassuring for the child as it provides a sense of security and predictability.
It teaches the child about time management, about self-control and responsibility. Like creating a regular study time will ensure they know they’ve to sit down for studies. Habit building needs discipline.
It teaches them about respect, both for self and for others, for rules and expectations.
It builds self-awareness, helping them understand the consequences. This assists in making better choices.
They appreciate and value their freedom. This is the essential since most wrongly believe that freedom is having no restrictions or following no rules.
For a disciplined child, freedom is respecting boundaries. Be it their bedtime routines, or screen time limits, or having expectations.
They understand their responsibilities and its consequences.
Frequently reminding my students that completing their work was their responsibility, not their parents, helped get them to complete their work by themselves.
It needed constant reminders and encouragements but that even a few got it was satisfying.
Common Parenting Mistakes That Undermine Discipline
#Mistake 1: Inconsistency
Kids will understand and follow the disciplined routine only if it’s done consistently. No weekends off or slacking during vacations. Small adjustments are acceptable but not inconsistency.
Inconsistency or irregular, random routines can confuse the child.
#Mistake 2: Confusing permissiveness with kindness
One of the dangerous myths parents believe? That ‘being nice’ is the same as ‘being permissive’. Stop right now.
Don’t mix up the two. You’re being nice when you allow minor tweaks once in a while. Like sleeping a little past bed time during vacation.
Being permissible is when you let the child to do whatever they want, whenever they want; you give them unrestricted freedom and have no control.
#Mistake 3: Using yelling and punishment
If this is bad then another oft-repeated mistake is yelling or shouting or dishing out punishments. You’ll never get your child disciplined this way. But you’ll certainly have rebels on your hands.
#Mistake 4: Lack of responsibility
The important step is to take responsibility. Parents need to take responsibility and be prepared to put in the effort to do this. It’s not glamorous or exciting. Most shy away from it and that’s when the problems begin. The results can be seen by all.
Remember, the onus of how the child turns out – good or bad – remains always with you.
How to practice discipline effectively
You know what needs to be avoided, where parents go wrong. So, what works?
What works is maintaining a calm, firm inconsistent communication. What you expect from them must be clearly conveyed.
These expectations must be age appropriate. Reinforce the good behaviour or acceptable actions by encouraging repetition.
Focus on consistency and explain the consequences. Once they understand why they’re doing what they’re doing, they’ll be more likely to follow through without resisting.
Become the role model so they can learn by watching you. If you make your bed every morning, then getting them to do it will be a lot easier.
Long Term Wins That Discipline Builds In Children
Ensuring that the child is disciplined doesn’t mean they’ll end up behaving like the Von Trapp kids (from the Sound of Music).
It will instead teach the kids to be independent and resilient. They will develop strong work ethics and decision making abilities.
Imagine your child growing up to be someone who manages stress well, respects boundaries and build strong relationships? Well that’s a gift of the discipline ingrained in him.
This is what you’ve been trying to inculcate in your child, isn’t it? What you can do to start this process is:
- Create predictable routines, like having fixed bedtime or study time.
- Make colourful visual schedules or charts for younger kids. Stick it in their room or on the cupboard for them to see it regularly.
- Praise effort and consistency, not just achievement. Every little step is a step closer to the goal.
- Practice what you preach; children follow example better, not instruction. Make your bed or help in the kitchen. The children will soon join you.
- Be patient; learning discipline takes time. You’re working to build their future. Enjoy the process.
Final Thoughts
Do you still think discipline is outdated?
Disciplined person is often fodder for jokes and silly caricatures. But do you realise that the jokes on them, the jokers? The disciplined do, indeed, dominate.
Being disciplined is enjoying freedom responsibly. That’s because as someone rooted in organised and structured thought process, they’re able to deal with life more efficiently.
By ensuring to introduce discipline in your child life, you’re shaping a strong, kind and capable human. One consistent action at a time.
Still think discipline is redundant or obsolete or unnecessary? What kind of future are you preparing your child for?
What message is your approach to discipline sending your child today?
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