The recent controversy regarding some off-colour comments by a stand-up artist (and its happening at frequent intervals these days) got me thinking.
Why have people given up on speaking politely or with sensitivity? The civility seem to be leaving the conversations quietly and unnoticed.
“Speaking your mind” is getting confused with speaking without restraint. Is this how unrefined the senses have become, I wonder.
More and more people believe that they’re being authentic and honest when they speak rudely. The ease of this behaviour is in the confidence with which it’s practiced.
It’s a mistake to assume politeness as being timid. Au contraire, it shows you as having enough self-control to choose what you want to say.
But to make an impression you don’t need to be rude or loud. What you need is confidence in yourself and what you’re saying.
Believe me, its emotional intelligence in action.
The Strongest Person Isn’t Always the Loudest
It’s been years but I still remember something my Principal at high school had said. That “Don’t raise your voice, raise the quality of words instead.”
I’ve understood the import now. Anyone can raise their voice when frustrated or angry. Often they end up saying things they’ll most likely regret in retrospect.
But what takes more effort is remaining respectful while disagreeing. You may feel the itch to retort, or say something rude.
This comes from being insecure, or impatient, or even impulsive. It only reflects your emotional immaturity. Rudeness signals fragile confidence.
People who constantly interrupt, or insult, or shout or mock are protecting their ego from getting bruised.
These are more often reactions rather than conscious responses. Something spontaneous.
On the other hand, being polite takes effort, a deliberate response. You’re allowing some time between your emotion and reaction to restrain your emotions from getting the upper hand.
Don’t confuse that with suppressing your feelings. They’re not to be ignored. What you’re doing is expressing them thoughtfully. It’s much more effective.
If you think carefully, you’ll recollect how during an intense and volatile meeting, a calm voice was able to bring down tempers in the room. It always works.
Polite Doesn’t Mean Passive
The common misconception is that being polite means being submissive and allowing others to walk over you. Children are taught to say ‘Yes’ to avoid conflict.
That’s misinterpreting the power of being polite. You can be kind and still hold your ground. The impact is dependent on the power of conviction, and not the decibel.
Politeness is about setting clear boundaries, or even disagreeing without disrespect. You can correct someone without humiliating them when you do it politely.
When you decline respectfully or say ‘No’ with a smile, it has a different effect, commanding more respect, than if the same response was given aggressively. It’s not offensive nor does it sound rude, making the response much more palatable.
What you need to understand clearly is that speaking politely or being soft doesn’t mean setting soft boundaries. It instead means you expect others to respect your boundaries without any loud announcements.
A firm NO is a good example. It’s firm and clear, and need not be loud.
This Is the Skill We Should Be Teaching Children
Of all my students, past and present, one stands out distinctly in my mind. He was polite and courteous in his interactions. What caught my attention was that he would count to 5 before answering to anyone.
I asked his parents during one of the meetings and their answer blew my mind. They had taught him this method so he doesn’t respond in anger. Amazing.
The result was a well composed child who gradually won everyone over as a sane and stable companion and friend.
Parents must ensure children understand the difference between being confident and being arrogant, between being assertive and being aggressive.
The children must learn that respect has to earned, not acquired through fear.
When the children learn this early in life, they’ll know how to conduct themselves gracefully. They’ll be able to practice polite assertiveness which is essential for them to build a non-confrontational boundary around themselves.
Being able to be politely assertive will help them to build stronger friendships. They’ll know how to handle disagreements maturely, thereby earning the trust and respect of others.
As they grow into confident adults, they’ll earn respect through consistency, clarity and composure.
Courtesy Is Strength Under Control
People often mistake politeness with being weak. It’s instead about having your strength under control. It’s an evolved form of self-regulation.
It’s about you being secure enough that you don’t need to prove your strength through aggression.
It’s easy to lose control of yourself when under stress. That’s when your raw, true form comes out. The real test of strength comes to the fore when you remain respectful and polite even when challenged.
Always remember anyone can raise their voice. But it takes character to lower it. They let their character speak.
After all, loudness gets them attention, while courtesy earns them respect.
