It was just an ice-cream, and she needed to pick one of the two flavours available. Yet she seemed to take an eternity.
I was losing my patience with this 4-year old. So I picked up both the flavours.
Not a great parenting example because that’s what most of us in that situation have done, so it feels normal.
It was only in retrospect I realised how my decision had overshadowed her desire to think for herself, how the excitement of getting two ice-creams instead of one was based on her fleeting disappointment at not getting to choose.
Like I said, I only understood it in retrospect.
Have you ever watched a child take forever to decide something and felt yourself screaming inside your head – just choose?
As adults, you don’t want to ‘waste’ time. You want to get done with and move to the next task.
And any form of hesitation is seen as a sign of confusion or indecision, or worse inefficiency. But is it really that?
It’s the child’s way of learning to think, weigh in the pros and cons of that decision. And they need the time to evaluate their decision, even if it’s for picking up an ice cream.
They’re still grasping the magnitude of their actions, the choices and options, building the vocabulary needed to express what their young minds are thinking.
And by rushing them, you’re not helping.
The Pause Is Doing More Than We Think
As adults, your minds have got trained to think fast, make quick decisions. Years of being told not to overthink or ‘just choose’, have conditioned the minds to look at pondering over decisions as a sign of something wanting, a flaw.
And this is the mindset with which you view the child as they struggle with making a decision.
What you fail to take into consideration is that you have had years to learn this skill. But now you’re expecting those same levels of efficiency from a child.
Is it fair? Is that how you want your child to learn such an important life skill?
Whan a child pauses before choosing, they may be going through conflicting, and competing considerations.
Say, if I choose to invite this friend over, will the other one feel bad? Or what will be my mother’s reaction if I do this? How will my teacher react if I draw this?
It’s not always indecision; its processing multiple thoughts their young minds are not yet equipped to handle. That they’re aware of other options is in itself a sign of development and growth.
It’s the beginning of social and emotional reasoning. They’ve become aware that there’s a world beyond themselves, and they’re learning to think about it.
And this is one skill even most of the grown-ups need to develop themselves because it’s needed for maintaining healthy and balanced relationships, both at home and work.
Maybe they ignored developing this skill because they too were rushed into making decisions during their childhood?
What you forget is that every decision you make impacts someone other than yourself. How you navigate disagreements, what you choose, the choices you make have consequences for others.
Just because that’s how it’s been done doesn’t mean it’s right or correct.
Let Them Think Before You Tell Them What to Do
Teaching needs patience. You don’t have to be an educator or a parent to teach. Nor is it restricted to bringing up a child.
By trying to think like them, and looking at the world from their perspective, you’ll get to see how overwhelming it can be.
So slow down, take a step back, and give them the space to explore and learn through experience.
Give them the opportunities they need to make the choices by themselves. Of course, you’ll be their guide at every step, nudging them in the right direction.
Sometimes it may be prudent, or even necessary, for you to make the decision for them. By all means go ahead.
But whenever possible, let them enjoy the process of making a decision. Ask them questions about their decisions. In case they’ve missed out something, make a suggestion and bring it to their notice. Try to understand their thought process to understand them better.
Finally, It’s A Process Taking Its Own Time
Learning to make a decision is an essential life skill, something they’ll need at every step of their life.
Instead of rushing them, let them savour the moment. With every experience, you’ll find them becoming more confident with making decisions.
Their indecision or hesitation is part of that learning process. You don’t have to encourage it, neither do you need to rush them out of it.
Remember it’s a process. They’ll reach the finish line in their own time. They’re learning that decisions aren’t always about getting what they want.
And that’s the first step towards developing a more balanced and emotionally aware child.
Maybe before teaching them something, it’s important for you to unlearn something. Like hesitation equals incompetence. Them taking time to decide is a waste of your time.
Or maybe just rethink your obsession with making quick decisions. Afterall, decision making is more than just choosing what you want.
It’s about understanding what your choices mean to others.
