It’s a common assumption that when words leave your mouth, you’ve communicated.
To further enforce your point, you repeat what you’re saying and follow it up with “I was only trying to explain.”, “I didn’t say anything wrong”, “I was being honest.”
Yet you’re surprised when the other person doesn’t share your perspective or feeling. Instead they feel like you’ve just criticised them, or being dismissive, or put some indirect pressure.
Why is there this disconnect if you feel you’ve communicated?
That’s because your words were not received in isolation. They carry with them some hidden meaning or emotional baggage.
People often colour what they hear with whatever they’re feeling or whatever’s their emotional state at that moment.
Say, a colleague has just been criticised by your team leader or manager won’t accept your suggestion graciously.
Or if you’ve scolded your child, I’m sure they’ll not be happy to get another reminder from you for having missed some errand.
In your mind, the words are just conveying what you wanted to say. But the listener is accepting them in an emotional context which creates a barrier for the complete meaning to get conveyed.
The Message Is Only Half the Communication
Every time you speak, you unconsciously put in the effort to choose the right words to avoid ambiguity. You try to be concise and listen actively to what’s been said.
But something still goes wrong. The outcome is not what you expected or wanted.
That’s because even though you’ve accounted for all the important elements of your speech, what you missed is the emotional context.
Is the person you’re speaking to in the right frame of mind to receive what you’ve to say?
Someone who’s angry with the boss will not be ready to hear about the virtues of this person or justifications about his actions.
I’ve seen it a teacher. Some parents take the feedback personally and get defensive, while some take it with an open mind and are ready to work together.
Sometimes the most beautifully constructed message fails simply because it is delivered at the wrong moment.
At such a moment the mind is not processing your words for meaning but for the concealed threat.
Maybe their advice is seen as a judgement of your actions. Maybe the parent doesn’t want to accept the truth and wants someone else to be held responsible.
Either ways, the communication gets disrupted.
Emotional Timing Is a Communication Skill
You can’t be expected to constantly walk on eggshells, or wait for that perfect moment to say something right.
What you can do is notice the emotional temperature of a conversation. Yes, feel it, understand it, and work around it.
If you see your colleague feeling down after facing criticism from the boss, don’t jump in with your two bit. Instead listen before trying to come up with some response.
If you didn’t agree with the feedback given by the teacher, ask your child for their side of the story. Maybe you’ll convey more than you expected to.
You don’t always need words to communicate. Sometimes saying less is better than saying the right thing at the wrong time.
This is especially true at the workplace. I’ve had managers ask me about the correct way to give feedback.
There’s no one right way. But it always works if you are emotionally aware. If you’re planning on giving a feedback soon after the employee has made a mistake, then it may be technically correct but emotionally ineffective.
But if you wait for some time and then deliver the same feedback, the reception will be different. That person may actually listen to what you’ve to say.
The right message can still fail if it’s delivered at the wrong emotional moment.
This matters a lot in leadership roles.
Communication isn’t just the art of expressing meaning.
Effective communication has evolved and is no longer about exchanging words. It has created awareness about the importance of emotional context.
It takes into account the emotional condition of the people involved.
Communication is now the art of creating an emotional space where the words get the chance to be interpreted appropriately.
Because sometimes it’s not the words that convey what you want to say. Sometimes people don’t need better words from you.
What’s needed for effective communication is for you to acknowledge that the other party isn’t ready for your words yet.
