One of the kids in the class was explaining something to me and I wasn’t getting it. I was annoyingly asking too many questions.
Suddenly he stopped. When I prodded him further, he just casually mentioned that it wasn’t important, and walked back to his seat.
I was left wondering. It’s not something I hadn’t seen before but the reality of it hit me at that time.
Some children just stop explaining themselves. All you might elicit out of them is a one-word answer. If you persist, they’ll simply shrug and walk away.
As adults, the first reaction is they’re being rude or are shy or just uninterested. But that’s not always true.
Sometimes they’ve learnt that nobody’s really listening to what they’ve to say.
When Children Feel Their Voice Doesn’t Matter
Children just love to talk. They can go on chattering excitedly for hours.
Their natural curiosity makes them a natural storyteller, an inquisitive investigator asking questions, or explaining the tiniest details of their day with passion and honesty.
As they grow older, they begin to hold back. They’re selective about what they want to share.
Maybe they’ve been interrupted often before they could finish. Or their ideas were laughed at or treated casually, or they were indulged as being childish.
Maybe every time they put forward their arguments, they were told not to argue, when what they were doing was only trying to put their idea across or explain their side.
Or worse, maybe the adults around them were simply too busy or impatient to listen to what they had to say.
Maybe that boy got that feeling when I didn’t get what he was trying to explain – that I was not interested in what he was explaining.
Over time, they learn to believe that it’s not worth the effort. Sad but true.
Silence Is Often Learned
What do you suppose happens when they repeatedly feel unheard? Something changes deep within.
They stop elaborating. They keep their responses to the minimum, maybe a few words or a single word if that suffices.
Next, they no longer feel comfortable sharing an opinion or idea. They’d rather agree than argue.
Over time, it begins feeding into their self-doubt. They lose their confidence when speaking in front of others.
Eventually, they start believing that their thoughts are somehow less important or not relevant.
This hesitation isn’t about being shy. Its showing the growing lack of confidence and self-worth.
And it’s not something that happens in a day or so. It gets noticeable over a period of time, a result of many small moments when you ignored their voice.
Help Them Find Their Voice Again
Of course their confidence can be restored. Children are resilient and will bounce back to their own exuberant confident self if you nurture them properly.
When they speak, just listen without rushing to correct them. Don’t expect them to say things which you’ve learnt over the years. They’re still forming their own thoughts and ideas.
You can instead guide them with follow-up questions, and not finish their sentences.
Let them become part of conversations at home, explain things to you, or even story telling.
Of course you’ve to explain the difference between storytelling and telling a lie. You don’t want “a dragon ate my lunch at school” kind of situations!
Confidence doesn’t come from just good grades. It grows gradually when the child feels they’re being listened to, that what they’re saying is being taken seriously.
So the next time your child is talking to you, clear your table and give them a few minutes of your undivided attention. That would be the greatest gift you can possibly give them.
